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Opinion: The Monnier five step text message break-up

Opinion

Opinion: The Monnier five step text message break-up

For any break-up to be successful, there needs to be lack of contact between the downtrodden couple. How can you go about a break-up if, by the weekend, you and your ex are laying next to each other after downing a bottler of Goldschlager and bathing each other in a heavy amount of lubricant? That definitely does not sound like a break-up, rather more like a night out with the managing editor and his girlfriend.

Now, with the advent of technology, there have become ways to improve and – more importantly, end – any relationship: From the invention of hidden cameras that detect cheating lovers to the billion-dollar industry of impotency medication.

Well, today there is one more use for a miraculous technological marvel that could very well save your romantic life. My original plan began three summers ago when I was dating a 24-year-old hard body. We were both drunk and inhibitions were low. In just a short while, I had grabbed the girl’s attention and she was quickly wrapped around me like some cheap girl from the State Line.

Consequently, none of my relationships tend to last for more than a brief interlude in the back of a truck flatbed. Yet somehow I knew this girl would turn out to be much different. The beginning was like most great relationships: based mainly on physical aspects. There were no in-depth conversations about life and every thing in it, yet there was also nothing to complain about. She couldn’t cook, but we had sex. She complained a lot, but we had sex. She talks to and about her ex-boyfriend constantly, but we still had sex.

For about a month, things continued until I discovered she really couldn’t cook and that large gaping hole on her face never closed. It was time to end things.

I knew if I spent a prolonged time around her while trying to break up I wouldn’t be able to go through with it. Honestly, she was really hot and I have a soft spot for beautiful women and beer. With the two mixed together, who knows what could happen?

In my mind, I started to rummage around for ideas on how I could get myself out of this horrible affliction. I pondered just writing a letter to tell her we should just be friends, but the Post Office takes too long. I could have gone with the phone call, but the idea of getting screamed at or listing to pleas and begs of why we should stay together made my stomach churn.

I was increasingly dumbfounded.

I didn’t know what to do, or even whom to ask for advice. Yet, as my phone started to vibrate in my pocket, I had an epiphany: What if I could use the awesome power of text message to aid me in my crisis? This was indeed uncharted territory for my technological-impaired self, but I’m pretty sure I had heard of text message break-ups before. Thus, it was worth a try.

I knew that I would get just one try at this message, so it had to be perfect. I made a step-by-step process that I could follow no matter what state of mind I might be in. I even printed out a copy of it in bold 30-point font for when I was drunk. I was now golden. I followed my process to a tee and was able to escape from the hellish path of doom that I saw myself walking down. I’m not saying that I was totally unscathed from the process as there were a few hateful emails that I’m sure were induced by a few glasses of wine on her part, but I was able to escape unharmed and I never saw her again. I honestly think that things worked out quite well.

Now I will share the five-step process I created to “textually” end my sexual-only relationship, most suitably dubbed the Monnier 5-Step Text Message Break-Up Plan.

1) Always start by asking how your partner is doing.  If their mood is dour, never break up with them. The better the mood they are in, the easier it is to keep moving through all the steps and end the hell they have been harboring you in.

2) Anytime a person is asked how they are doing over text, their knee-jerk response is to respond with the same question. The exact response should always be “so-so.” If you give an answer like “not so good,” you could spark an idea in her head that could make them want to call you. Never let them call you.

3) This is the most important step of all. I planned what I was going to say in my main statement before I even started texting her. The longer the text, the better.

4) Eventually you are going to get a response. The best way to prepare is by planning out a few possible questions to your statement and make responses to those. You never want to get caught with your guard down. Remember, text long responses too. The longer the message the more “oomph” it will have.

5) By now, you should have finalized the entire episode and have made sure that you are both going to take a break from each other. Delete their number out of your phone. You may think that sounds stupid, but when you are drunk or lonely you will most assuredly be giving them a late-night booty call.

Good luck.

Opinions expressed in editorial and opinion articles are the views of individual NIC students. These views do not necessarily  reflect the opinions of the Sentinel, North Idaho College, or any other organizations or groups there-in. North Idaho College is not responsible for the accuracy of statements or opinions shared.

I am the current News Editor of The Sentinel, and in charge of creating the News section of this paper and assigning the stories covered in it.

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