Movies make mini marriages

How to avoid getting stuck with bad films

I like my movies to be funny and fresh, just like I like my friends. Superficial people make me sick, yet I find myself wasting more time on crappy movies than I would ever allow myself to spend on a superficial idiot.

I’d probably shoot myself in the face if I had to spend more than 10 minutes listening to Kim Kardashian’s bullshit, yet I will voluntarily force feed my precious mind two hours worth of pure garbage.

I find there is a similar code of ethics that applies to movies as it does to strangers. Allow me to explain. When we have to sit next to strangers on long trips we automatically enter into an agreement that says, “I will pretend to be interested in anything you say for the next few hours because we are stuck together.”

I give the same twisted dedication to movies. If I spend money on a movie, I will watch it – no matter how awful it turns out to be.

The trick is recognizing a bad movie before you rent it. I havn’t perfected the skill yet (since the inspiration for this column comes from watching “Bad Teacher,” a terrible movie) but I have found a few “bad movie safety techniques” that are worth sharing.

1. Apply similar caution to movies as you would to people.

Let’s say you’re interested in someone, but you’ve been hurt before, and this time you’re looking for something real. Or maybe someone you don’t know very well is begging to go home with you. Well you would probably ask around about that person first. Maybe get a concencus on them from people whose opinions you trust.

The same investigation goes for movies. If you’re not really sure about a movie, it doesn’t hurt to look up a review or two. My favorite review site is rottentomatoes.com. where movies are rated by professionals critics and average viewers.

I personally hate when people tell me what to like, but with a little background information, you can avoid two hours of disappointment. Or even worse, dating a known dendropheliac.

2. Avoid romantic comedies that are more about sex than soul.

There’s a big market for romantic comedies. Some of them have charm, but most are just excuses for good looking movie stars to pout and try to be funny. These movies are about as genuine as that really popular girl you hated in highschool.

To make it easier for you, I’d suggest avoiding all Katherin Heigl movies besides “Knocked Up.” Her movies seem to exploit the story line of two self involved, predictable hotties getting frisky and then realizing, oh dear, real feelings are starting to develop. They play lots of mind games with each other before realizing that, wait a minute, they complete each other. The end.

3. Watch “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.”

If this movie were a person, he would be a sophisticated French man who just graduated from University with a degree in literature and a zest for life. He has the perfect amount of edginess, but is also really sensitive, quirky and thoughtful on the inside. Sounds attractive no? “Eternal Sunshine” has it all; a beautiful soundtrack, brilliant cinematography, a fresh storyline, snappy dialogue and genuine characters that you can actually feel for.

So the next time your browsing for a movie, make sure to ask yourself, if this movie were a real person, would I want to go on a date with them?