Jan. 1, 2012: I started the sparkly, glorious New Year with a broken car window and missing debit card, financial aid card, driver’s license, iPod, camera, stereo and purse. Even worse, my favorite chap stick was in that purse. You broke my cigarette lighter when you ripped out my iPod hookup. Blood poured out of my hands like a metaphorical river of hate as I picked the glass out of my seat and floor mat. You even stole a Christmas card from my car. Fortunately, I had taken the gift out of that card before you got to it.
$754.56 is the grand total of cash that I now do not have thanks to your little act of theft. As I make $8.06 an hour, I calculate it will take me 93.617 hours to right this deficit. Here, I would like to add an approximated 13.25 hours that it took me at the bank, DMV and various other hell-ridden government institutions. If you’d ever met me, you’d know that I wouldn’t spend 109.867 hours of my life doing anything for anyone else because I’m a selfish, stuck-up asshole. Thus, I compare this act of theft to a Grand Rape of My Time and Energy. Not only did you steal from me, you raped me. Hard. Dick move.
What did you get? You got an iPod and a camera, which can be pawned. You also got a pile of canceled cards that are worthless to you. So why didn’t you just leave those and save me the hassle?
So, I believe that this is the moment when I birth a greater life truth out of my bitter and resentful writer’s loins. Stop breaking into cars that are not your own and stealing shit that isn’t yours, you pieces of North Idaho redneck .scum. I worked hard for every single item you took from me. My parents didn’t buy that camera. I didn’t get that iPod for my birthday. That car window didn’t come from a windfall inheritance either. Rather, I spent evenings with an ice-pick breaking apart piles of frozen horse shit for less than minimum wage so that I could buy myself a car, a camera, and an iPod. How did you get these things? You took them. Because an entitlement complex, apparently, is how the algae of the earth operate.
Haters, who obviously have no respect for personal property, will tell me that I shouldn’t have left my expensive personal effects in a car unattended in a church parking lot on New Year’s Eve. Can you blame someone for being murdered because they had a pulse and happened to be in a close proximity to a serial killer? No. Murders happen because of murderers. Theft happens because a low-life tweaker junkie didn’t have enough cash that week to buy another metric ton on meth to keep their habit up.
Also, learn to pop a lock with a coat hanger so the next poor soul doesn’t have to drive around without a driver’s side window for a week in the snow.
Opinions expressed in editorial and opinion articles are the views of individual NIC students. These views do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the Sentinel, North Idaho College, or any other organizations or groups there-in. North Idaho College is not responsible for the accuracy of statements or opinions shared.
