Column: Pleasure without poopy

What did people do before there was television? How did people have fun before there was Laser Tag? Why did people ever laugh before there were any YouTube videos about “Honey Badger”?

You know what I think was the source of fun before all this newfangled technology?

Puppies. That’s right. I said it. Puppies. And they are still the best entertainment out there.

All right, if you’re not an animal lover (which might make you some sort of psychopath) then this column is just going to make you sick. But if you are, these next few points will help you in the long-term plan to convince your friends to get puppies.

The first reason that puppies are the best entertainment is because they are hilarious. I don’t mean to offend anyone with this next statement, but puppies are (pretty much) really dumb. Puppies are really dumb and therefore really fun to watch.

Have you ever seen a puppy look in the mirror and go ape-shit crazy at the sight of its own reflection? Have you ever seen a puppy chomping on a bone, only to begin chomping on its own leg, unbeknownst to itself? Have you ever seen a puppy try to climb up a flight of stairs? Did you not at least chuckle at all of these things? If you didn’t, then again, you might be a psychopath.

Puppies have this jovial innocence about them that excuses all of their disgusting behavior. It’s pure magic. Most of the time, if I meet a person who is hyper, ignorant, attention-seeking and deaf to all commands, I hate them immediately. Puppies exemplify all of these qualities and I still love them, even when they pee on the carpet in the middle of the night.

The second reason puppies are the best entertainment is because you can go on adventures with them. Once your puppy gets big enough, the two of you can go hiking, jogging, swimming, even surfing. The possibilities are endless. Your puppy will go anywhere and do anything for you.

Reason number three is because puppies love you as much, if not more, than you love them. A video game, a book, a movie: none of these things can ever love you back. Will a PlayStation protect you from an intruder? Will a flat-screen TV keep you warm at night? I’m still waiting for Apple to create an iPhone that will cuddle with me.

Puppies encompass all the sweetest, naughtiest, goofiest parts of ourselves. Their tiny little brains and big hearts leave no room for resentment or regret.

I’d trade my iPhone for a puppy any day, but unfortunately puppies don’t have an off switch, and I don’t have the time or accommodations for a puppy.

The trick is to find that friend who continually complains about being bored or feeling lonely, and then gently reiterating to them the above-mentioned points.

It took a while, but I now have a puppy at my disposal via one of my best friends.

If you’re lucky and persistant, you’ll soon get all the pleasures of a puppy without all the poopy.

Opinions expressed in editorial and opinion articles are the views of individual NIC students. These views do not necessarily  reflect the opinions of the Sentinel, North Idaho College, or any other organizations or groups there-in. North Idaho College is not responsible for the accuracy of statements or opinions shared.