Once again that magical time of year is upon us. A time of year where one throws all caution to the wind, hones survival instincts, and braces for the storm. Yes, I’m talking about Black Friday, the day where the survival instincts you learned in Boy Scouts are most needed. If you weren’t a Boy Scout don’t worry about it, here is “A Scout’s Guide to Black Friday”.
One of the first things you need in multiple occasions on this fantastic night is navigation. Don’t rely on Google or Siri as those may fail you in most desperate times. Instead use a compass, a map, and a pencil. Are you stuck in a crowd in the mall and get reception? Not a problem. Just break out a map of your surrounding area, preferably a topographical map. Measure the direction and distance to the highest point in the store and book it. Once you get to the highpoint observe the nearest exit. Mark it on your map using the exact compass directions you get. Then draw a straight line from your point to the exit and follow it. Do not stray course. If you have a steep elevation change, utilize the techniques of either rappelling or parkour. If you run into a water feature, ford it as if your life depended on it. Escaping from the herd is paramount. Do not engage. I repeat, do not engage.
Now since it is strongly advised to avoid all members of the herd, tracking is a very useful technique. Normally one tracks to catch or find an individual, but in this case track to avoid the herd. You stand no chance of victory in a direct encounter with the herd. Use your skills to determine the most frequented paths and learn to avoid paths that show high signs of activity. As poet Robert Frost once said “I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference.” Follow his advice and not only will it save you from harm, it will save you time. Precious time that is required to successfully bag the prize.
Finally, my last tip for you is keep an eye out for wildlife. The common retail employee or “Retail Molestie” as it is referred to in scientific communities, is a shy timid creature. They are normally startled by large crowds or big noises. They are also experts at camouflage and basic tactical evasion maneuvers. If you are lucky enough to spot one of these rare beasties, do not question it, as they will feign ignorance and pass you off to the weakest link of the pack. Instead, follow them from about ten yards back. They know the lay out of the land best. They know the hidden trails, watering holes, and popular locations.
If you follow these tips not only will you survive Black Friday, you’ll win on Black Friday. So go forth, throw caution to the wind, take on the challenge, and be safe. May God have mercy on you all.
