2008 Woodie Awards
Bigfoot more realistic than the Bible
Furry legend of the West cannot be proven fake
Jake Donahue
Issue date: 10/6/08 Section: Opinion
A popular band named The Darkness once proclaimed, "I believe in a thing called love." I know this to be real as I have a smoking hot girlfriend whom I love immensely. Not to mention, the Oregon State Beavers, another entity absorbing more of my heart's desire.
But most importantly (don't tell my girlfriend), I love Bigfoot more than most human babies. Nay, more than all human and non-human younglings.
From "Harry and the Hendersons" to the extinct Seattle Sonics' mascot, Bigfoot is a childhood hero worthy of every kid's admiration.
The legend of Sasquatch is greater than Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and Jesus Christ - because although he has yet to be proven real, he cannot be deemed impossible.
The Easter Bunny? Come on, now.
Pots of gold surrounded by vicious, green-clad Irish midgets? Maybe in March.
Religion? Ha!
But a hairy ape-man roaming the creeks and trails of the mountainous North American West Coast: Now there is something I can sink my teeth and paws into.
Although he remains as elusive as ever, we cannot denounce the fact that he might exist. Long story short: I'm saying there's a chance. And if the odds are one in a million, that's even better than finding a parking space at NIC.
Meanwhile, hillbillies from Georgia to California provide fake bodies and clumps of bloody possum fur, yet the national parks across the continent are posting Bigfoot warning signs. Dare we question the government?
Furthermore, a Google's amount of video fills the information superhighway and CNN spent summer covering the latest hoax. But just like most religions, this "Sasquatchian" dynasty is built of nothing but a series of hoaxes.
The Bible says the Earth is but a millennia old, something science has simply proven not true. It continues with men walking on water, a man surviving the stomach of a giant whale and denouncing the existence of dinosaurs.
Right.
People acually formed a religion around the Book of Mormon.
They sell grilled-cheese sanwhiches on eBay emblazed with the face of Mary.
Scientologists are respected. even though they believe an alien race crashed onto our planet, and the losing souls of an inter-galactic war are trapped in a volcano on our planet.
Holy hell.
New species thought to be extinct for millions of years are discovered in a seemingly never-ending fashion. We have more proof for the possibility of Bigfoot than any known God.
But you're telling me Bigfoot is too abstract?
*Jake Donahue is an editor for the Sentinel.
His opinions are his own and do not necessarily reflect those of The Sentinel. Respond to this column online at nicsentinel.com.
But most importantly (don't tell my girlfriend), I love Bigfoot more than most human babies. Nay, more than all human and non-human younglings.
From "Harry and the Hendersons" to the extinct Seattle Sonics' mascot, Bigfoot is a childhood hero worthy of every kid's admiration.
The legend of Sasquatch is greater than Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and Jesus Christ - because although he has yet to be proven real, he cannot be deemed impossible.
The Easter Bunny? Come on, now.
Pots of gold surrounded by vicious, green-clad Irish midgets? Maybe in March.
Religion? Ha!
But a hairy ape-man roaming the creeks and trails of the mountainous North American West Coast: Now there is something I can sink my teeth and paws into.
Although he remains as elusive as ever, we cannot denounce the fact that he might exist. Long story short: I'm saying there's a chance. And if the odds are one in a million, that's even better than finding a parking space at NIC.
Meanwhile, hillbillies from Georgia to California provide fake bodies and clumps of bloody possum fur, yet the national parks across the continent are posting Bigfoot warning signs. Dare we question the government?
Furthermore, a Google's amount of video fills the information superhighway and CNN spent summer covering the latest hoax. But just like most religions, this "Sasquatchian" dynasty is built of nothing but a series of hoaxes.
The Bible says the Earth is but a millennia old, something science has simply proven not true. It continues with men walking on water, a man surviving the stomach of a giant whale and denouncing the existence of dinosaurs.
Right.
People acually formed a religion around the Book of Mormon.
They sell grilled-cheese sanwhiches on eBay emblazed with the face of Mary.
Scientologists are respected. even though they believe an alien race crashed onto our planet, and the losing souls of an inter-galactic war are trapped in a volcano on our planet.
Holy hell.
New species thought to be extinct for millions of years are discovered in a seemingly never-ending fashion. We have more proof for the possibility of Bigfoot than any known God.
But you're telling me Bigfoot is too abstract?
*Jake Donahue is an editor for the Sentinel.
His opinions are his own and do not necessarily reflect those of The Sentinel. Respond to this column online at nicsentinel.com.
Viewing Comments 1 - 10 of 17
e Blank
posted 10/06/08 @ 10:34 AM PST
Mr. Donahue should be more impressed that he lives in a country that formed its laws to allow the freedom of thought, because by doing so one might question, answer and believe in those things they are compelled to. (Continued…)
Sasquatch
posted 10/06/08 @ 11:43 AM PST
If this is a college newspaper and Jake is a student there I really wonder what kind of school this can be that teaches their students that the "Bible says the Earth is but a millennia old" (a lie, the Bible teaches nothing about the age of the earth, it is not a teaching in the Bible) that "science has simply proven not true" Science has proven nothing about the age of the earth but has put forth observations for various theories only . (Continued…)
Boner of the BWM
posted 10/06/08 @ 1:12 PM PST
Obviously this paper was a satire and I pity the people that read it and just don't get it. But if Jake was looking for a reaction then he got one from a bunch of people that would call a teenage rape victim a baby killer for trying to get an abortion. (Continued…)
Jerry Barron
posted 10/06/08 @ 1:27 PM PST
Wow jake you really know how to win friends and influence people. LOL If you see the long line of cars coming from the south that would be the Mormons. (Continued…)
bill green connecticut sasquatch researcher
posted 10/06/08 @ 1:30 PM PST
hey everyone this is a very interesting new article about sasquatch-bigfoot. good afternoon bill green connecticut sasquatch researcher :)
Peter westman
posted 10/06/08 @ 2:31 PM PST
Don't you all know that the sasquatch is Jesus? After thousands of years of body hair cultivation you have the magnificent holy result(Jesus/Sasquatch). (Continued…)
S.H.G.F
posted 10/07/08 @ 4:10 PM PST
Thank "God" we have individuals like Jake to stir up the thoughts of these right-wing followers of some sandal wearing hippie. His articles are obviously just for laughs people. (Continued…)
Annie
posted 10/07/08 @ 4:38 PM PST
I would probably just laugh it off if I didn't think you actually hold to this line of logic. However if you really believe the Bible teaches that Earth is only a thousand years old then you might want to consider actually cracking open one of your textbooks - you paid for it you might as well read it. (Continued…)
An editor
posted 10/09/08 @ 8:42 PM PST
Obviously, opinions are just that - opinions. However, I cannot believe your school paper allowed you to print that. I work for a school paper as well, and we have some very controversial opinion pieces, but we never question or denounce religion or someone's culture (hillbillies). (Continued…)
Jim S
posted 10/10/08 @ 3:44 PM PST
Jake,
How is it possible you got a smoking hot girlfriend? Did she know before you wrote this column that your personal spiritual beliefs included such a volatile mix of imaginary idols as Bigfoot, Jesus, and the Easter Bunny. (Continued…)
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